¹ I am the ʟᴏʀᴅ thy God, and as I have spoken it from the heavens, so too shall you hear it, booming as it may be:

² These commandments, ironclad though being they are, passed down to you from I, me, myself, ʟᴏʀᴅ of Abraham, God of Hosts, and so proceedinge, must be followed to a T, so to speak;

³ Thusly, I say unto you, my people, whom I led out of Egypt, out of the desert, out of the priory that was not, in its time, providing a fit worthy of your ʟᴏʀᴅ, myself, your God, and therefore required of you having been led out of it, the priory, at that time, and you, my people, I say unto thee, that you are in Egypt no longer, nor the priory, nor the desert, nor a place that I say you should not be at.

⁴ Verily you hear these, my words, and you are giving to me the praise that is deserved of me, and freely given by you, sinning though you are, in your human nature (which was made in my image);

⁵ I figure I should make it a little easier on you so I’m going to give you some rules that you can follow so you don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Secret rules are in bad taste so I got you some stone tablets and a pen that works on those as long as I’m looking at the pen and the stone tablets.

⁶ Thusly He was finished spakeing, the ʟᴏʀᴅ, and in God’s so doing, there was silence from the heavens.

⁷ Janumet, son of Jahoswah, son of Jakafi, son of Jantoven, son of Janumet XR, son of Janssen (business partner of Janssen), daughter of Amygdalaga, son of J-Max^® did listen to the cries and pleas of the ʟᴏʀᴅ. And as Janumet’s faith began to waver, youthful though he was in his age of 85 years, the ʟᴏʀᴅ spoke to him in a clear voice, indicating no awareness of his internal treacheries. And the ʟᴏʀᴅ said:

⁸ You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

⁹ Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.ᵃ

¹⁰ Janumetᵇ did cry out to the ʟᴏʀᴅ (your God) to the effect of “I don’t know to whom you refer, ʟᴏʀᴅ. Whom is the love whom I cast away, in your opinion?”

¹¹ And the ʟᴏʀᴅ did Have His Reply Ready, it seemed.

¹² For when the ʟᴏʀᴅ spake, it was with a posthasteitude thusforth unbeseen by all who were present at the rulesgathering. And the Lord said unto Janumet(ᵇ):

¹³ You listen good and you listen well.

¹⁴ If a twink and a tranny are to lie together in the same bed, they shall both be stoned when the sun is high and the winds are in the north. I AM THE ʟᴏʀᴅ AND THIS I ORDER THEE. twinks are to lie only with their own kind or suffer the penalty of oxenᶜ.

¹⁵ Any embraces given without enthusiastic verbal implied consent are to be punished by a twitlonger (or pastebin or other such permanent reporting website) of no fewer than 6,000 words and excommunication from the church of the ʟᴏʀᴅ, thy God. Locusts.

¹⁶ Misgenderments, regardless of haste in replacing the ill-positioned pronoun or term, are to be responded to instantaneously with a lull in conversation, and a lasting sense of having done something wrong. I am a forgiving God, but I am not all-forgiving.

¹⁷ They/them pronouns are basically golden calf territory. It/its is probably fine.

¹⁸ Perishables are to be donated to thy local food bank if thou art afflicted by ADHDᵈ.

¹⁹ When the width of the gap of age between two participants of an adult consensual relationship exceeds one year and one half year, there is only stoning to be done upon what remains of their physical bodies after they are damaged by said age gap.

²⁰ I am the ʟᴏʀᴅ (Thy God), and I grow weary. I will be off to take a nap on a cloud now, for a while. More rules to come.

²¹ Janumet(ᵇ) did head down from the mountaintop carrying many stone tablets, with a mind full of new ideas for weekend activities.

²² And head down the mountaintop he did, though on the mountaintop -- is where he was before....

--

ᵃ. Same line, therefore debated as prophecy of NIV REV 2:3-4

ᵇ. son of Jahoswah, son of Jakafi, son of Jantoven, son of Janumet XR, son of Janssen (business partner of Janssen), daughter of Amygdalaga, son of J-Max^®

ᶜ. unclear

ᵈ. archaic term for being a hunter-gatherer

^®. Registered trademark