In The Inner Game of Tennis, W. Timothy Gallwey writes about how to learn stuff. I learned a lot from that book, alright? I don’t remember all the details. Part of it is about how we have a Self 1 and Self 2 and Self 1 is the part of your mind that thinks consciously and Self 2 is the Doer who Takes Care of Business but you have to keep your Self 1 out of there because otherwise #ego gets in the way. Sometimes I hear people talk about System 1 and System 2 but it seems like the numbers are inverted for whatever that “System” of thought is.
A lot of the value of Self 2 is in learning to trust yourself. If we imagine (and this is probably a bit of an exaggeration) but if we imagine that our conscious mind has access to like 20% of our processes, then the other 80% is controlled by our body and unconscious mind (or soul if you believe in that). And no, I’m not talking about the dumb “we only use 5% of our brains” thing that people quote. I think that’s made up. Didn’t they make a movie about that? I think it might’ve been called M3gan and if it was, you do not want to hear how I pronounce it. But what I’m saying is our conscious mind definitely limits us.
That’s probably all Tim Gallwey is trying to say. How does polyamory play into this? Boy howdy am I glad you asked because here we go. If you’re the lucky kind of polyamorous, you sometimes get to watch one of your “partners” (using the term loosely here, not as a surrogate for boyfriend/girlfriend) you sometimes get to watch one of your partners interact with one of their partners. This can be wildly elucidating. If your partner is always very energetic and tweaky around you but gets calm around their partner, it shows you that there’s more to this person than you yet have access to. It gives you direction. At least, that’s often how I feel. How can I make this person feel that way? I know it’s a way they know how to feel, because I’ve seen it!
By neutrally observing the way someone’s partner interacts with them, you can attempt to imitate, then adapt their techniques into your own style, and play interactions that you never would’ve independently developed. Basically I walk into a house and someone’s girlfriend teaches me how she likes to be touched. Awesome! Great! Sometimes that part can take months! Plus, now that I know the basics and what works, I have a good foundation from which I can experiment and pick up my own tricks that can set apart my touch from others. It’s literally so epic and so free.
Yeah obviously whatever, this skips a little bit of the “traditional” process, but honestly, I find myself much more effective once at least one article of clothing has been removed, and I don’t care who’s responsible for getting it off as long as it gets off. What do top players say about chess? The middlegame is where all the creativity is, the openings are all memory. Thus ends my essay.