Updated Nov 13, 2024 2:48:56 pm

Updated Nov 27, 2024 1:31:56 am

"still water runs deep"

ostracize
complicit
shun

reinterpreting information revealed prior

"a quest to drag affection from the paws of pleasure to the mundane deserts"

good to get it out of your system

afflatus

as though

waiting

words of the night:

- covet
- outlandish
- prophesy
- eventuality
- conflux

prognosis: hemlock

scour

i dream of people and it makes me feel sick but i still hope i dream of you tonight

"remember by whose gift you ascend'

useful insofar as i provide a service

issue of structural integrity

the first time i found myself attracted to a 5 o'clock shadow was 2022

the air is clear around it

effigious

it's all hell

"where are you going?"

"hopefully i figure that out by the time i get there"

Mike Truck

cold commodity

little swan made of glass

"Sometimes I am sad that I have not been selfish enough; sometimes I am sad to know that my lack of selfishness has often in fact been selfishness. So:..."

"I cannot forget you, or anyone. I will always love you whenever I remember you, for whatever worth you may find in that. I will love you — there, where we are still alive together — for as long as I am gone (and trying, very hard, to be better)..."

"Congratulations on your wedding. "

emotion engine

14 people
17 hours

nobody told you to go and do all that

it feels nice to be myself

she was,
to me,
the scent of a freshly blown out candle

i just want to hear her voice again

an attempt to understand

i forgot to be scared

according to my hand

i carry pieces of you

theoretical repartee

in the end

i'm lucky

knife that kills you

sleep without pain

as true to form as is formlessness

it puts up resistance, but then it gives

pull the trigger, spectre. i stand alone.

a denial of silence

declerit

we have nothing to lose but loss itself

i was warm with you

"this is stupid, there's no way i should've come here"
"i'm happy you're here"
"i'm happy i'm here, too"

you were so in control. like icarus, you soared

in my journey for hubris

what have i lost

the surety of their heart and the uncertainty of their disposition

agelessly tormented by dreams

the piano sounds like it's crying

xACCESS

justify!

ridicukluso

yr a fucking twipsted

cold open

perspicacity

technically explicit

i'm waiting to find someone i can live

the understanding burns within you
that you have no other choice

all that's left is a gamble
that you have no better option

you press the button, and you wait

is this a blessing, or a disease?

i'm a business taker carer ofer

containing Priority

"Tokimeki Memorial OBJECTIFIES love"

swaddled in a cocoon of "LOVE"

"and if that doesn't work with your schedule, it's not the end of the world!"
-girl who feels like the world is ending

accursed

i experience the solid node of the life-breath with a smile on my face

countless revisions

but the work (play?) is never finished

tension and stability

one of the holiest things you can do is converse through the night

in the winter,
all my recollections are cold

"I slunk away to another zone to fight for more pleasure"

feelers

I'm Going Places You've Never Seen Before

Archetype

"not all that is lost wanders"
-airport sign

highly not obvious

"turning freaks into trash"

you have personally inconvenienced me, and
You Will Pay

malefactors

confidence interval

the object of my desire

has been acquired

error 422
unprocessable entity

Failed to issue checks:The remote server returned an error: (422) Unprocessable Entity.

"It is the desperate moment when we discover that this empire, which had seemed to us the sum of all wonders, is an endless, formless ruin, that corruption’s gangrene has spread too far to be healed by our sceptre, that the triumph over enemy sovereigns has made us the heirs of their long undoing. Only in Marco Polo’s accounts was Kublai Khan able to discern, through the walls and towers destined to crumble, the tracery of a pattern so subtle it could escape the termites’ gnawing._"

Even

just look at me, beautiful and supple, my eyes fall out of focus, and my skin is so soft

look at me, hair long but tangled, heart full of longing, and fortune so earned

fearful in nighttime, comfort in sorrow, rest when i'm weary, passion so strong

look at me, reflected in mirrors, shone in the sunset, i never felt wrong

nexus

faded than a hoe

hazy angel

dozenth

"lo and voila"

no regret

i learned how to reminisce

i didn't learn how to stop

the s3x

the constraints may be difficult, but i am nothing if not a poet

no dick to suck
one life to live

"put on your good-time hat"

probrum

less than twice

disconsolate earth

look where you are

obscenities trickle like tears down walls of exposed brick

a child cast against shadow, whereabouts unknown to anyone who’d self-ID as a parent

Updated Nov 13, 2024 2:48:56 pm

setting up amoral façades

a side meant for thorns

she acquiesced, and relented in her foolishness

language interferes with gestalt comprehension

*early-game NPC who encourages you to use checkpoints, priory clothing*

"Jesus saves, so should you"

the mentalizer

parable bubblegram

mindedness

"progenate"

"hard to let this end"

missing native concept

watch me care

sin that accumulates while you sleep

the idle firings of an unoccupied mind

parity

can you tell that i came here to worship?

"bliriant"

enter the night freely and without accompaniment

i love you without desire, without requirement

global ability rhythm crescendo

anamnesis

it feels good to love you

Prior mentioned

efficacy strikes at the heart of man

sometimes the worst thing happening isn't even the worst

dark and twisted

pure and wholesome

ascribing meaning

did i ever remember to post "ascribing meaning"?

blood and bread and salt

"i guess the ace that's up my sleeve is just a "

Updated Oct 21, 2024 11:15:02 pm

pity card

Updated Oct 21, 2024 5:50:10 pm

more dreams about you

Updated Oct 21, 2024 5:47:23 pm

anyone can make excuses
not everyone can take action

once the pain starts, it doesn't stop

she has a good sense of humors

medium overstrike

hostile wfh environment

wash off all the sweat, and saltwater, and fear

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

hopely

why have you fallen from grace

fill one another with descriptions

like i'm your job

you need to take motion

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

Updated Sep 19, 2024 1:54:08 am

girls who shimmer

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

demonym

habitué

ignoble savage

foiled again by my non-binary ex

yes, i'll admit, i think about things like that

you thought you were human but you can't escape divinity

"is this all there is?"

yes and it's beautiful; it's more than enough

i'm spinning out of control but you could hold me in place

"so many people have left me, if you are going to leave please just do it now rather than later so I can start getting used to you being gone"

the first bullet misses, as does the second one

the first arrow misses, but the second one hits

all you do is look, look, look at yourself

systematization

ie building a system
ie creating a system

rigor reminder

names

"soon and very soon"

not realizing they can simply do difficult things and receive greater reward for it

talking to people can't ever really be that bad bc at minimum you get to hear yourself talk

bible high roller

later you'll remember this

and look back on now

Updated Sep 09, 2024 5:35:52 am

places to be, people also to be

immutable faith and purity of heart

"i miss my ex so much"
"sorry"
"fuck you"
"I do too!
"I respect that so much"

stipend

practical affection

in a room full of people i see only you

reactions in neutral

neutral reactions

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

i nneed you

``Masochism exaggerates the complementary and opposite aspect, and says “I
am so enthralled that I welcome even pain at your hands”. ``

you must bring it up if you wish to root it out

urge of the messenger

call of the messenger

lalunts

"out of a clear sky"

patient is described as being fitful and restless

implied continuity

ascension-worthy

i still remember

precision addict

xgender

sickening how easily you give me chills

remembering what it feels like to be around you

-verbose

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

low-hanging bar is bar nonetheless

back and forth, we will delete all our messages to one another

we'll rebuild

and we can always fish

blood from a stone

mortality is free with memory

how beautiful you can be when you can be you

little green light

then are you renewed?

raging storm

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

methodological performance art

in terms of where the duck is headed

i will starve to death here, and in the blood that i cough up, i will scrawl that i was happy

every day, i wake up, and she's there

insight

a brief look at the machinations of behavior

freedom of speech
w no denotations

we've hidden our beloved circumstances

give it a few years

pit the commoners against each other

there is no grave at which i can weep

:persevere:

let go of your constant need for reassurance and recognize that uncertainty pervades all

you were there before you received the belt

kill the storytelling sensation

all are welcome to receive the word

one single motion

we are always dying, but we can work to make our death mean something

disentanglement

looking in a mirror and seeing someone else

Updated Aug 05, 2024 7:39:06 am

the most romantic thing i could call us is a paradigm

this author is about to experience death of the author

stolen valid

I don't know what you think fighting games are supposed to be

beby

"you would choose to dream the dream that you're dreaming now"

ciel

how much of it aids gestalt comprehension

naming dichotomy

"delayed reactions"
'you're like a samurai'

rest easy

i long to drain the wounds and let love flow where it could've long before

"i look hot spread thin"
-j

fend for others

brutal misleading

positive lavatory tears

have to let it simmer before you let it burn

undiagnosed loser

damn shawty okay

hold on roll your window down, i need to catcall someone

i have faith in you

off the perc 700

see you tomorrow

see you soon

be right back

observations of grandeur

ethical gaslighting

i live in a little world but it understands me

let yourself shatter

you don't always need a security blanket

"almost crimes"

it's kind of beautiful that we used to fuck

pathologizing

you love me for the things for which i want to be loved

human reconfiguration

vade mecum

ease of euphoria

give yourself a shot

agency

manual emotion control

killing the part of myself that cares

confuzzled

many things i do are out of desperation

voice crack

vanity plate

p_button_blood_type

point of egress

"where do the cars from Cars receive stigmata?"

untouslable

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

she died in a drug-induced frenzy of FRIENDSHIP and AFFECTION

'come on is such a joy'

ciel

laughter from somewhere else

trying really hard not to relapse

planning is of the depths, ie hellish

fuzzy feeling in my head when i do something wrong

every sound a reminder

i used to be younger than i am, but now i'm my age

is the stabbing of the heart better than feeling nothing at all?

"I longed to imagine bright fire as in the first dark experiment. And I did see fires; however, they were sacrificial fires on the gloomy battlement of a citadel on a remote, autumnal heath."

never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing

i'm known for my smallitude

"I could eat garbage"

my life is a long game of wrong answers only

crafting a narrative

the depths of my misfortune are immeasurable

sadderall nap

always be pathetic

9/11 saved my relationship

"I wish I could stay here forever"

i feel so bad but i can make it right this time

"i know, i did, and that's my fault, but i still can't help but feel bad"

pattern of obsession and ups and downs

lol it never really goes away does it

to have your diary uncovered

Updated Jun 30, 2024 1:09:11 am

conversations don't belong to you

BIRTH

where did we learn to hate

your hateful rhetoric will not do a very good job of making me feel bad about it!

aural fixation

not just mortality, but the fragility of life itself

Big shout out to my newest top fans! Miles Stevenson

slut for descriptions

far-reaching consequences

arc of the covenant

it's okay

shawty navigating

this is my new dance move, i call it "cutting glass with a laser"

source forgotten

"man among boys"

interacting with the interface itself

playing a language game

Isaiah 54:17

maintenance tracker

such

fucking discriminately

she who loves me laughs in the garden

you're never gonna make it to the big leagues, kid.

but that's okay, the small leagues are just big enough for someone your size

free surf n turf for $5

do you want me to fade into the background?

shattered

such a thing

i need pregnant cis women

i'm girl morbius

hop on facebook gaming

the car is burning

we have no one to blame but ourselves

"the rules of success have yet to be written"

not happening concurrently with the present moment

"I'm ten times better than you.

You're actually disgusting."

"we pay tribute to the skies"

temporary reprieve

stop fucking me. it's macabre

it's just a backpack.

it's not a metaphor, or a reminder of your long-lost ex.

it's a backpack.
it holds things.

as you go for a walk, count the leaves on the trees
see as many leaves as you can see
if you don’t, you will not be
someone happy, to a tee

as you go for a walk, count your steps on each stone
wishing you had a house that you own
the path that you cross, one that you’d never known
you think that your soul might just be on loan

as you go for a walk, count the breaths that you take
losing no track of the leaves in your wake
on the stones that you step as you pass by the lake
it’s an important distinction to make

that you must not lose track
of this or that task
or soon you will pack
it up and you’ll mask

yourself from your friends
your friends from your life
the finest of ends
you cut like a knife

make room for the leaves, pare those people away
we won’t be needing anymore of them today
the stones and the breaths on this finest of days
are now easy to count in a simpler way

in fact, just keep walking, how far can you go?
with these three in mind, i’d just love to know
stuff your mouth full of leaves, make shoes from the stone
count those breaths now, you’re starting to grow

into more than your self
really there is no other
in this world of your own
forgetting your mother
and your father the same
so full of love are you
it’s not just a game
this is all you can do

so be calm as you count
and the count reaches none
for breaths in your mouth
isn’t this so much fun?

the leaves are your breath
the stones are now too
your impending death
near no one you knew

on your walks take a friend, so you can count together
then tear out your mind, so you don’t count forever

i miss you like a phantom limb

ciel

maybe someday, when I'm alone, I'll look to you

heavy is the head that wears the crown

ciel

acetaminophen makes me too powerful

the mage is a powerful unit that can take out many enemies with tomes like Fire, Elfire, and Thunder.

the mage switches out for the sniper. the sniper's job is to kill the one unit the mage couldn't kill. if the sniper can do this, it's a job well done.

einepeakear

a world where humanity can't survive without water on their skin, so humans walk around with water guns and spray each other

night-moon manipulator

it's the victim's fault

you're the one who stayed

you're from so far away but you're also from home

perhaps it's time she found a scapegoat

surprising none, she was quite cutthroat

Leo card

to warm you

"don't say you feel the same way, too"

object permanence strikes again

life is full of what could've been's

but that's okay

because it's also full of what was's

he's a poker player, you can tell by his mannerisms

do you ever mold yourself into the shape of another?

imagine if your last name was furniture

myth of iphigenia

am i drunk on human connection

oh no

immortality isn't scary without memory

distraction factor

⬛

when you said "good kitty" i thought you were talking to me

listen closely, you can hear the world screaming

maybe i will customize my relationships with other people!

i wanna have close to you

i wanna have close to you

your hatred for women has brought you WHERE

i'm cute in the dark

normal milk

listen to how the world screams at you and be calm in the face of it

exist in good faith with me for just one moment

two guys are walking in the desert

one guy says "I'm thirsty"
the other guy said "I'm not"

Updated Jan 17, 2024 1:56:20 pm

delusions of squalor

i wonder if when i'm 80 and you're 78 and you die peacefully in your sleep i'll feel like i'm 15 again

life is about loss

"you never even called me by my name"

80:20 against

making someone a playlist is such a cruel thing to do

i haven't eaten all day cause my mom decided to have a traditional christmas

i mean there's only so much you can season myrrh

how much am i able to meaningfully effect change on a local societal level

ease of use

do you watch yourself being looked at?

Chet Volcano

i keep thinking about last night

not so taken as to be deluded by it

i hope she does not wake
for i love her
and she deserves to rest

worth transvestigating
(i, a trans person, doing an investigation)

50% ain't half

halpy

I've been played for an absolute fool

what if our reality is just the trash thoughts of a god of another reality

retained thought

to use her name

the depths of hedonism

the heights of hedonism

columbo villain who crumbles at question #1

"a brand new toy to idolize"

corner girl

my hands are full of nothing

unquantitiably

we are alike in our differences

iff only

what is there to say that hasn't been said in stolen glances?

got pulled over by an ambulance
they said i was driving too healthy

a boy is one of the hottest things a girl can be

John Nobody, and his lesser-known brother

it'll be a difficult day in hell, my friend

Updated Sep 10, 2023 9:48:30 pm

just keep walking

they call me the question answerer

on account of why, you may ask?

i'll never tell

Updated Sep 04, 2023 6:04:28 pm

good kit

i'm so lucky

"a double entendre if you Want to be incorrect about it"

aggravated tax fraud

just a little crooked

the sky is blue and so are you

i am easily tricked by mirrors

convincing myself to like something i don't like

pathetic

so easily by your hand

shaped like the first angel

3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.

how much space has one human heart?

kissing a bottle of wine, pretending it's you

"I'm glad that you're still alive in my heart"

i am confronted with temptation

i wanted to be the object of desire, the one who was looked upon

surrounded by people who are worth loving

"These
things happen. "

drunken halo

"I asked him if he could tum off one of the lights. The
glare on the white walls was making me drowsy. He said
he couldn't. That was how they'd been wired : it was all
or nothing."

a neverending excursion to the past

thank you

drink from my lips

it feels so good in the wind

"When you finally did fall asleep, your dreams were full of gunfire, and you woke up feeling a hunger that was neither wholly physical nor wholly sexual, but some of both."

"i dreamt of a flower that would never die"

pain is sex

"i told my doctor i only smoke occasionally, so i think i'll do that."

"that's probably healthy"

do you know what this is? it means someone loves me

the words of my friends echo in my head

"not now, later"

my body exists for you

an intimacy between the storyteller and the storytold

"Why
are you kissing my hand? You know perfectly well that
I'm fundamentally loathsome."

God's Search for the Ideal Flower

golden and radiant

The Worst Feeling in the World

my world just got a little lonelier

"essy, you're my friend, i love you forever"

your honor, my client is clearly bicurious

it feels safer the second time

open arms

she's a good kisser because she kisses like i do

my mind is full of hours

la/la/leirs

Daily report: Zesta is Bringing back a Golden Age of Saltine Crackers!

a love letter to someone who doesn't exist anymore:

i can't see through the tears
i have been taught but i can't remember what because of the hole that's left
it is finally setting in after months

i used to be someone when i was with you and now it's gone and i can't get it back
everything else seems like a hollow excuse.
i can't hear words anymore
it's all stained

it sickens me to think that this can't help because nothing really can
i just wish the dreams would stop.
it's

they ask me to tell them of the wind, but i can only shiver

put your hands inside my mouth and see how i am feeling

press yourself against my heart and feel that i am breathing

naked in an infinite bathroom

who will you be when there are no stories left to tell?

there is a balance between talking too much and not talking enough

it is elusive

i just want to show people you can still live a life like this. where your glass candlesticks shatter but you can still smell the rosemary

an illicit figure in the only dark corner of a room. the other 3 are lit by candles. in front of the figure are 3 panes, with constant flashing images of people, events, and places. it never stops.

there is a large line of people, some dressed for a funeral, some in casual attire.

they approach the figure, one by one, and place their hand on its back. it leaves a glowing print that quickly fades away. many have to hold back tears.

a quiet, repeated whisper can be heard, "why?"

takin dick like a test and y'all know im acin it

it always seems like you can't fall asleep again

it always seems like you can't fall in love again

it seemed like the thing to say

do you think the ice has memory of when it was snow?

a sign that only says "FOLLOW"

the streets seemed to be paved with blood

their lights lit up the sky as if a new sunrise

the cold made you feel irredeemable

and the glitter was deceiving

sorry, what was that? i was having an extended dream sequence

ill-fated quest for certainty

"how was the sex?"

3 thumbs up! haha, you guessed it, the third thumb is my smile :)

searching for a sun that will never set

but finding only the moon

"this is kind of like when x-men said that thing to that other guy"

people make a unique kind of sense in a context of each other

he wuz sharper 'n a bloodhound,
and not but two-times as gay

Updated Dec 23, 2022 7:25:34 pm

overtaken by a particular charm

quiet but with tears still streaming

eventually i will scream to the heavens so loud that everyone will hear the fire in my voice

stomach full of spices and lard

you can feel the weight of the past lift off your slightly too-broad shoulders

i wish for my knuckles to be cracked by someone

"But are such debauchery games really an exercise for penitence?"
-Milan Kundera

nothing quite like CURLING UP WITH A GOOD BOOK

except, that is, for WATCHING A GOOD MOVIE

the past listens and so do I

there's a reason they say having the right tool for the job is so important, and it's because some tools are right for some jobs, while yet others are right for other jobs, but the most important tool, that's right for the most jobs, would be a very important tool, indeed

begin to imagine some potential future

a prostitute for less than money

getting drunk on your laugh but only for a moment

dear reader defect

shame is a powerful force, my friends

more of a feeling than an emotion

*gets you off one singular time*
me all night daydreaming:

would you pay $200 to suck someone's dick?

oh, it listens? it listens, and it talks?

wash until water runs clear

listen to the sound of your dreams and wake up in the morning with tears in your eyes and stand up to greet the sun

his tragic soul fell away and became one with the worldtree

you have to make it part of yourself

it flows

i can hold eternity in a grain of sand. why wouldn't i love this, this beautiful torture?

watching
walking
seeing
speaking
talking
singing
a beautiful melody

it never stops

named, disambiguated characters

appreciate the forgotten acts of your past that benefit you today

through the growing discomfort of never remembering when it happened, but being confronted by the reality of its recency

i was walking

this world was made for you, but you still don't belong here

as if words that embrace you

sometimes, it's about the ringing phone that you don't quite know whether to pick up or not

just putting things where they belong

using the only words you have to say things said countless times 1. b4

converted crisis

AMBIVALENCE

thee unity of knowledge

"can't you hear them? listen to the future"

unfortunately, you do not meet our je ne sais requirements

because without sugar, we would have no reason to live

Updated Nov 23, 2021 12:51:33 am

i have become sisyphus

but at what cost

i pre-coat all of my objects with oil

sonority

i rearrange my movement around that which circumscribes me

incarnata

is anyone in her drugs incarnate?

everyone buckles before the gaze of a child

you sexless beast

she looks like she's on lithium or something

there's only one song that isn't about sex, and that's Life on Mars?.

sex is like honey, or sewage, or similar

give yourself euphoria. you deserve it

ok? ok?

you can cry, just make sure you're in the grass

attribution error

thought-terminating cliché

mechanism by which

God shouldve invented Judas on the eighth day

God shouldve invented Judas on the 3rd day

it’s a cruel joke nature played on us, giving those with control over music the ultimate detention regarding artistic hegemony
weaving sounds together, deftly maneuvering into an arras of beauty, all while expertly muddling orders of an infinite library of drawing cards

the taste of heat inside

cold, harsh air

cuts and burns my skin

pares away the extraneous

all that’s left is the new self

“why am i dying?”

“because this is how it feels to be reborn”

maybe this time he’ll remember

Updated Sep 17, 2021 3:48:08 pm

why disgust?

filled w safety

first federal church of christ

Updated Sep 03, 2021 9:56:09 pm

Updated Sep 03, 2021 12:19:11 pm

thee eternity code?

i can be a lamb. it’s honorable

wamt gf

daytime
ah
such sweet freedom

i warn you, we still know the old ways. they rage in your blood. if you fall into the river, do not attempt to appease us; you will surely be dashed against the rocks.

in thee past i’ve done a lot of acid and now thee world makes sense

sometimes that’s all you can do

wish you’d bleed me

"you can't escape creating things"

every once in a while i decide to be unabashedly myself and then i forget what it was like to be any other way.

until i forget again

cyc

Updated Jul 26, 2021 6:34:18 pm

there’s always something to talk about

“thee punchline of flowers for algernon”

turn down thee enemy’s gate for what

the beauties of this life

- orgasms
- songbirds (i am one of them)
- warm water
- animals (i am one of them)
- my cousins maria and angela (they’re gorgeous)
- undertale
- those who know

if you ever run out of art inspiration, just use your dreams

if you ever run out of dreams, ask a friend

if you ever run out of friends, strike up a conversation with a stranger

you won’t run out of those, with luck

drugs might be god inside plastic capsules and plants and liquids

i am the divinity that your sin could never extinguish

he’s writing in me

he wrote in me

i found thee ode to joy to my gymnopedie #1

“do people still do heroin?”

working for some hope of a future

days yet to come and not yet forgotten

what are thee odds she’s not toxic? pretty low, right?

“so speaking of sodomy”

there's a mystical place in your heart, but you have to hand the key away to get in

i never thought it could happen, i never could've imagined you even if i tried. i didn't think these places existed outside of storybooks, it almost seems like a hope that was hidden so deep inside me that i forgot it existed. when life beats you down so much that you forgot what hope feels like, you've really lost everything

you appeared in my life a month ago to the day, and it's been terrifyingly altered ever since. you see, i spent my whole life alone. i've met people and formed bonds, but i've never really been seen by them. they see me as who i am to them, a friend, a coworker, a schoolmate, a rival, but never as *me.* though now, i know who i am

if i can't be vulnerable to myself, how could i ever be vulnerable to another person? i don't have an answer to this question, but it seems like you've made the question itself meaningless. when i'm around you, my mind is a mess. everything pushes together and takes new shapes and i can't keep up. i want to tell you everything, because i know you would hear me. i want to show you my inner life, because i know you'd thrive in such a world

i thought i knew who i was, my life has always been pretty uneventful. i play games, and go where people tell me to, but i've never really felt much direction.

i think i met you in an ice cream parlor. i felt that you were like me, and i heard your laugh, and i was entranced. have you ever felt like your soul was crying out for someone? like their essence is the nectar of life? like their heart is the ambrosia that will return you to eden?

it's hard to imagine that i ever felt much connection to this world, in the past. being directionless leaves you hopeless, empty, and without much meaning. what a surprise it was to become as if i had never known another life, a life without you, and your constant emanation of life and light.

it's been no more than 32 days, and i'm terrified to lose you. how can someone become the most important thing in your life in such a short period of time? answer: when you didn't care about anything else in your life to begin with.

my love for you is twofold in direction. it is the wing of liberty that drags me up to heaven, and the cage that traps me as hellfire and brimstone rain upon my heart. in loving you, and knowing you, *needing* you, i have become your slave, and you mine. we own each other in some sick, demented way, but this is what we wanted, isn't it? is this the cost of our bond? that we lose all else? i would throw everything else away in an instant. you are my world, and that will never change

snap back to reality

it's been more than 32 days.

i've lost what i never knew i could have found. every hour i dream of you, in sleep and awake. i don't know myself. who was i before i met you? some unhappy soul, wandering aimlessly in the wastelands of enquiry. but i owe you my life, because you taught me how to love it. i couldn't recognize happiness until i tasted it for the first time. its sweetness? sickening. my illness never leaves me, its tendrils always firmly gripping my center as i attempt to go about my days. your supportive energy has turned sour, and every thought is a thorn in my side. who knew mental anguish could translate to physical pain?

i've heard you've moved on, though i can't see how. i guess maybe we never really did know each other. the one i knew couldn't have ever imagined a day without me by your side. by what have i been replaced? by whom?

this is who i am now. this is my life. i live in my memories, because i know they're happier than anything i could hope to achieve. i was lucky enough to find my soul's mirror, and careless enough to shatter it upon the harsh pavement. in the end, i have nothing to say to you, except a simple, "thanks." you have my eternal gratitude for giving me a burst of fulfillment, and my endless condemnation for stealing it away from me in an instant. but that's okay. i don't mind living in the past, i know it'll be a safe place as long as i can remember you.

what's that phrase they always say? better to have loved and lost, right? ...right?

just movement

filmgoers

leave rage

afab this and amab that, how bout you share a gab and talk about something besides what’s in our fucking pants

since when did MASS DESTRUCTION become a crime

eternal damnation, no less is deserved

my aldi cashier became that which she strove to destroy

still in disbelief

newly foreign silence

“i can’t appreciate femininity when it’s a noose around my throat”

i have become a beauty that i thought could only exist outside myself

it always seems like it should destroy you

but it never does

we built ourselves cages instead of homes

“all love starts as a scheme”

i can be flowery with you

resounding declination

“apparently i’ve got it like that but i haven’t got it like anything else”

“i don’t know who has it like what, but someone’s got it weird”

“should i nueve?”

We know this to be true, with 100% certainty.

100% certainty! now sponsored by Absolut vodka.

swords and guns are thee most effective weapons. it goes like this

first you’ve got your sticks

then you’ve got a hammer, or, say; an Axe.

next you’ve got your weapons of mass destruction, nuclear weapons, etc, tanks

gun

nobody has ever failed to kill someone else with a gun. that’s just a given. it’s a known fact

in thee words of thee late, great John Conway, “it’s like a reverse ego shield. an ego gun, if you would”

miaou

i’m surrounded by mirrors

“have you ever been a 4-year-old with a need for vengeance?”

“often”

demonstration of knowledge

please piss on my grave

thee room is full of women

pale and smooth

cutle patootle

i can’t believe my parents are gonna get back together if i get straight a’s this semester

discount tire

someday i’ll come out of your bedroom closet in your parents’ house and i’ll tear out your curtains and we’ll fall on the bed and we’ll make sweet love together

this is a place where we can set aside our differences and agree that claire’s a fucking fascist

and then she came which was really nice

also known as alcohol = oxygen

do i taste like i’m dripping with nostalgia?

?

smitten

naomi naomi naomi

caught unawares

my love transcends consciousness

sickeningly sweet

is there no justice in thee moral wasteland of buffalo wild wings

eyes closed, in pleasure

rainy summer night

busy street

enter divinity

vote no on issue mary madeleine

“you can imagine yourself walking out the door, throwing eggs at your neighbors house, like? you know what a milk carton looks like”

“this fucking ridiculous guy, catman,”

i think they’re tryna suck these toes

unabashedly myself but only when thee stakes are low

i’m a “fuck-me-in-thee-mouth” type fa****

he didn’t see yours

5k

v

i kissed thee sky and made your sister scream

Paris

she was the first to offer me a sip of burning passion, my life’s been a search never to be sober since. she fed me its fruit, and we rested in satiation together, in true unbridled mutual affection. i blinked, and my virginity was gone, followed quickly by the departure of paradise, leaving me homeless. stranded in the roughlands of truth and enquiry for the first of many times, i found myself not only speedily replaced, but starving. subsisting on my tears, i held on to one hope.

i knew someday i would return to eden

Raina

once, wandering the Other at 16, I found myself in an empty white room full of people. I could hear a voice crying for help. they sounded sad and androgynous, and nobody heard their calls. Except me.

I learned her, and took away some of her pain. I didn't realize how hot my fire burned until she presented herself as an uncertain crucible.

She was the first to know that I masturbated to her. She liked it. hers were the first breasts i felt, and the first french kisses. we shared them, as we met, in a room full of people. we never had sex, but i dreamt about it

a year and lovers passed
i met her again, at 17, in a room full of people. we went far away, and she sat on my lap, and we kissed, before she left. i went to the bathroom, and came more than i ever had, and ever have since. years of tension

Alyssa

you opened the gates of heaven and hell. you handed me the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil, by God, i swallowed it whole, and choked on your hair. yours was the first shoulder my head ever safely rested on. your smell was sweet to me as i nestled in your neck

I was 15, she was 16

Alyssa (2016)

I was at my first crush Rebecca's sweet 16 birthday party. It was a 2-day affair, held at a combination waterpark/hotel. I first saw Alyssa with another girl, following around my best friend, Cliff. Cliff was always a little (a lot) less attractive than I was, but he had something I didn't, and that was charisma. People wanted to follow him, and who could blame them? He was tall.

I noticed Alyssa, not only because she was following Cliff and I was envious, but because she had long, bright, pink hair. Something about it took me for a ride. Everyone was casually inner tubing along in the lazy river, when people decided they had enough, and started to get out. Alyssa and I stayed wordlessly for another go-round, and exited the river before realizing that not only had we lost all our friends, but neither of us had our glasses, and both had terrible vision. I joked about not being able to see colors without mine, and she laughed. I asked her to take me by the hand, she complied, and we searched fruitlessly around the waterpark.

I sat next to Alyssa while Rebecca opened her gifts in the girls' hotel room. Somehow the two of us ended up in one of the bedrooms, with the door locked, and the lights off, on the bed. My mind was flooded with impure thoughts, but after a series of logical ones, I figured there wasn't any way that she would be here, this close to me, if there wasn't something more here. So I very gently kissed her on the lips. And then I thought some more. And then I did it again. People had been yelling and knocking on the door an awful lot and they made it clear that now might be a good time for us to come out or we'd get in trouble, so I tried my damnedest to hide my erection in those poor tight jeans by immediately running to the other bedroom, standing behind the door, and trying not to look suspicious. They asked her if she liked it, and she said, "liked what?"

Smooth.

I asked her to be my girlfriend over text 3 days later. She said yes, and we went on a grand total of two dates, only one of which was actively supervised by my mother.

She broke up with me by text 2 months later, saying that she felt very bad about how I wanted to hang out very frequently and her mom was too strict to let her ever see me. We never talked again, but her contact name is still "qt π" on my phone.

i don't know if you still read these (you can tell i'm talking to you because you're the only one who knows about the honey reference in the last post [also know that it was a gross dramatization and not actually what i am, there i go being a hopeless romantic again])

just know that i know our paths will cross again someday

Do you want to be God?

I can turn You into Her

Warm, and dripping, soft, and sharp

Altar and Deity and Reflection consubstantial

in some past i found meaning elsewhere, but You carefully, coldly, surgically removed it from me with Your kisses of honey

now everything flows only from You, though can it be called flowing when everything IS You?

carve me in Your image

give me as many little deaths as i can survive

and never let us forgive each other for what has come to pass

it’s so dark in here i can’t hear myself think

overactive heart

i had a dream last night
that you weren’t the one from whom i was running

i want to ____ you like you ____ me

habit makes me trace your fingertips

6 Consolations

that which lurks in the heart of man

“slow, i’m getting up
my hands and feet are weaker than before”

everything you say is inaudible

both of you people make me sick

i wish to be who i once was

i am beautiful
but my beauty is not reflected

maybe my dreams will keep me warm

things always feel different when you ask for them

consider this my last resort

accosted by malaise

reverse denial

why can’t i forget

it don’t feel like it should

follow me

goin down three times but lord i’m only comin up twice

hate like nobody is watching

breathe
let yourself know peace

display of inspiratorics

jon thee not forgotten one

“No one ... has felt the heat and pressure of a reality as indefatigable as that which day and night converged upon the hapless Ireneo.”

reverie

“between two worlds, one dead
The other powerless to be born”

“the second relapse wasn’t that bad it was like weirdly tolerable”

“let me tell you about my month of yeast infections”

“fundamental act of incarnation”

wellspring of

be still

i wanted to tell him he was beautiful but i didn’t

“We are erotic beings, embodied spirits, structured through desire.”

love is just mirroring

“i got mad at my sister last night because she told my cats that ‘not everything is for them’”

putting on clothes because thee people around me don’t deserve to see my beautiful naked body

“wow you’re so stupid and valid shut up”

weight of observation

“those who undress only in front of their pets”

SUPERNATURAL LOVE:

Hands smell like chocolate

(8)

elusivity of childhood pure nature sometimes less elusive when we put ourselves among enough trees in every direction that we cant see where we came from and we cant see where were going when you stand somewhere and gracefully lose enough perspective that you become capable of feeling small once more a library in whom (not which) you traveled too deep you are crushed by mountains of paper and ink and knowledge and understanding that youll never know as much as him numinous awe at the mere state of the world itself gazing at the badlands of south dakota out in front of you everything looking alien stifling heat utterly convinced youve somehow been transported to mars and the sheer terror of not knowing how to get back making you feel tiny indeed

(7)

there are emotions we can feel as children that we lose later on if you dont get lucky enough to find them early youre out of luck

(6)

dream a dream of a day at the market we weave through the crowded streets of the merchant port losing only one coin for every pickpocket that (not who) passes us she or she holds my hand steadily and firmly as i trail her to her favorite mercantile and she shows me the carving in the ground memories from deep in her childhood as she says it shows her an emotion shes felt seldom elsewhere i wish i could feel it too but all i hold inside is meager appreciation for the way this artist 719 years ago delicately drew enough lines in the earth to make a depiction but ill recall her showing me forever

(5)

its a privilege

(4)

we die in each others arms within ten seconds those ten seconds after shes taken her leave but before ive taken mine the most excruciating ive felt in 719 months when i look into her once glowing eyes and see theres nothing there this is my desideratum

(3)

today as i anticipate the view of the wake of the last day i ever couldve pretended to know her no tears fall from my eyes and the fire has left me absence of both water and flame though i know my blaze will be ignited and extinguished endless more times this exists as knowledge not feeling

(2)

beauty turns to disgust as i look at her face for what i know is the last time as her smile drips vacantly into neutrality and i know shes empty and i know shell never feel again but its okay because the memories dont go away

(1)

i wonder what it would be like if i drifted off down the street and as i was walking someone caught my eye suddenly her lips are in sight and i see her hands are like mine screaming to be held and gentle but firm pink and white nails that cut like cigarettes on a rainy day( its not raining its dry but i wish it were raining why cant everything be romantic like it is in my dreams she looks at me but doesnt see me and points behind me i look i think that i see nothing then realize everything is behind me even though its dark the trees are sparkling recent raindrops that havent found their way home residing on ungrateful leaves those bastards im at home with her these days staring over the table my hands have touched hers a thousand times yet none every time i feel the desperation of the first time cursed to eternal cyclic nature i reach over and over and over and over again it burns every time god of passion is one of the cruel gods bearing company with pestilence and famine id rather die of starvation than have her touch me again drown me in bleach or shell stroke my soul again my lover is the one i hate the most we share a moment as she cracks a smile at me and i know shes imagining the distance is gone between us in her imagination she takes an appliance and in an act of transhumanity makes it part of her with no such applicator of her own uses her new self to upset discontent and put me off balance causing vulnerability so that i might cry i go to cry out but she covers my mouth loved ones are near and our joy would hurt them like it always does so it hides under covers behind doors glued shut that hateful beings we love so much may be spared pain disgust agony though they sin their retribution need not be an expression of our art this asynchronous punishment would be more a crime against expression itself than against the poor sinners

other people are scared, so i don’t have to be

“If you have some liniment I’ll put it on my dignity.”

i’ve been tired since before you were born

xtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxtonxton

traumatizing until considered

‘so somebody was wearing a flannel and i was like “how dare you”’

ah shit maybe it was thee journey after all fuck

perhaps in spring, i will feel more spiritual

geez, don’t break your other hip

“when i am king, you will be first against the wall”

your starboard flank abeam, i was getting my muskets clean

hold me, just like a morning paper

“nostalgia used to be considered a disease”
- Rory Blank Comics

caroline please kill me

it would be if it wasn’t

6-8 business months

dying of young age

where’s my synchronicity

fun/Eva

fast candle

todoso

i wish i could always feel this way

if you die we all die

protected by a silver spoon

i am a troubled child

used to be one

proof of you

thotsie

lodge

i can imagine many things but i never could’ve imagined you

do i want to feel young or do i want to feel old

we’re just gonna get a little influx here

i know that it is a temporary reprieve

similistic tempest relief project

“no taillights make you look like a hearse”

learn from masters as you would learn from leaves swaying in the wind

“I WANT SOMETHING UNIGNORABLE”

“christ hospital, jesus speaking”

fuck thee hand that feeds you

love is blinding

MAINTAIN TENSION

overwhelming scent of almonds

“morning is the soul’s night”

sadly nonexistent intersection

alchemical aspirations

“i am definitely not high right now, but what i am is fevered”

emotive masochism

“A Man Who Began to Suspect He Was Made of Glass”

onancaa

“i alone will make wrongs right”

“what is the most dangerous place to be stabbed?”

“chicago”

nary a thought

conversely

fornication lacking emotive intimacy is better left adjourned

implied coition

lacking in no real satisfaction

wash away my sins, spring-water

leave to them what is theirs

it’s a privilege. desiderata

be still, my love

someone sent in their musing. thee only problem is that *I* cared

universal equivalency

god literal damn it

i got two acetaminophen burnin a hole in my pocket

Thee Carrot Flower Contradiction

casting music in all caps

“thee best purchase made in this store”

highways? more like mountains

set my phone to “disturb me mode,” hoping for a disturbance

the w-w merger

discriminatory pain

indeterminate kanye in south virginia

does anyone have a spairbrush?

whiplash girlchild in the dark