after nate left, I lied there on the couch. they were on the floor. they were on the dog bed. the room was illuminated by light spilling out of the television. poorly dubbed anime was playing. i looked at their hair. parts of it were black. parts of it were red. i wanted to run my fingers through it so badly. i wondered what would happen if i moved into the dog bed. i wondered when, or if, nate and mari would come back. i didn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. i lied there, and i looked. i looked at the angle of their gaze, and determined they couldn't see me looking. i looked at the angle of their form. i imagined myself lying down next to them. i imagined how i would have to position myself for both of us to be comfortable. i imagined my tension in the few seconds after i approached them, touched them, before they would move slightly in response, and i would know it was okay. i imagined the small adjustments each of us would do in time with one other to become comfortable. i imagined where i would place my arm to give me some means to squeeze. i imagined all this as i lied there. i tried to figure out when nate or mari would come back, if they were coming back. i could feel time and opportunity falling through my grip like i was trying to pack a ball of sand. i tried to figure out how much emotional damage it would cause nate for me to leave it. i tried to figure out how much emotional damage it would cause mari for me to take her spot. i wanted a way to communicate that i was happy to give it back. i was scared of a bad first impression. i wish i could've put up a sign that people were forced to read before they could enter the room and see us. the sign would say "i'm sorry for anything ive done that's worth being sorry for. if you need anything from me, please just tell me immediately, so i can get it to you." or, if i were more confident, "please just let me have this. i need it right now. i can pay for it later"

i looked down. i wondered if they were asleep. i wondered if it would be okay for me to join them if they were. the episode was starting to end, and i was running out of sand. they turned. they stood up. "sorry," they said. "i was really locked in on that. im going to the bathroom"

"i thought you might be asleep!" i said, in a voice that occured to me as being sillier than i felt. they went to the bathroom. the ending credits started to play. i picked up the keyboard and clicked to start the next episode. i imagined saying "that episode ended, so i started the next one," when they got back. i imagined asking "hey, could i come down there too?" when they got back. i imagined more things i had imagined before. the page for the next episode loaded. it tried to load from a different server than before. it failed to pull the episode. i loaded the page again. it failed to pull the episode again. i clicked to change the server, but there was only one choice. i felt hot. i felt like i was drowning as peacefully as i could in an ocean of boiling water. i heard the sink. i knew there wasn't time for me to find the show on any other websites. i waited. they came back. "website doesn't seem to have this one," i said, sounding more empty than disappointed. "i have to wake up in 4 hours, i have work," they replied. "goodnight claire," they said, softly. from an arm's length, they placed their hand on the top of my head, ruffled my hair for about one second, and were already in the kitchen by the time i answered. "goodnight, why are you still awake!?" i said, incredulously. there was no reply. i heard footsteps go down a staircase. i went down onto the dog bed. i tried to feel. i felt tight. i tried to cry. i couldn't. i thought of them. i shoved my face into the dog bed where they had been lying. i inhaled as hard as i could. it smelled like pets. i wanted it to smell like them. i didn't know what that meant. i wanted it to smell like something i recognized as being them. i got up. i brushed my teeth. i grabbed my sleep mask. i stood in the living room. i imagined holding a stuffed animal. i imagined falling asleep while holding one on the dog bed. i imagined them walking by and seeing me asleep with it in my grasp. the thought of holding a stuffed animal felt pathetic. i thought about how far i've come. i thought about my old desires. i thought about how i had fought to give them shape, to give them form. i thought about how long i had wanted. i thought about how long i had failed to notice that i was choosing not to try. i'm trying now, and i don't regret it. i laid myself down on the dog bed, and i went to sleep. nate and mari never came back.