i wish to take you to a mountaintop that is far away and quiet and i will personally take the wind and put it in each strand of your hair and i will place each flake of snow along the footroad and i will make rocks in places you will trip, for you, and i will catch you, for you. you’ll be grasped by a strength you didn’t expect. held fast by something unknown to you. but i was here before. i saw the path.

i’ve been here for so long. i tire of inhibitions. can i learn to see them as lesson? a reminder to stay where i am? to quiet my insides and to listen to what’s being told to me by the outside and the in? no. i deny it. i am craven and i ask for more and i try to build a symphony of sounds and conditionings and calls and responses. i try to build a garden and castle out of cards; here i am, here i am. teach me to be quiet. teach me to slow myself.

i ache at and for and with and by you and by your hand, there are leaves of you and i wish they were branches in me for longer than they existed as fragile memories of others’ imaginings. i have a desire to taste everything that you’re made of and i want to choke on it more than i want to breathe. i want to choke on you more than i want to breathe. let me make my self as a gift to you. a gift for you. let me make these cries as a soundtrack. i’ve wished for you for so long and now you are delivered here, in front of me, like it was nothing. is there no more i need to do? no altar at which i need to kneel? i would pray a thousand hours for you. there is no slaking left to be had. let me light my candle?

give me more tears to cry. i haven’t cried enough. i want to scream more. let me feel it. i need it to peak. i need it to occupy every inch. it only takes two. i trust you to figure it out. i hand you the keys, and i tell you to drive.

I WISH TO TAKE YOU TO A MOUNTAINTOP THAT IS FAR AWAY AND QUIET AND I WILL PERSONALLY TAKE THE WIND AND PUT IT IN EACH STRAND OF YOUR HAIR AND I WILL PLACE EACH FLAKE OF SNOW ALONG THE FOOTROAD AND I WILL MAKE ROCKS IN PLACES YOU WILL TRIP, FOR YOU, AND I WILL CATCH YOU, FOR YOU. YOU’LL BE GRASPED BY A STRENGTH YOU DIDN’T EXPECT. HELD FAST BY SOMETHING UNKNOWN TO YOU. BUT I WAS HERE BEFORE. I SAW THE PATH.

i will take ill and die a dozen deaths in front of you as you watch with eyes soft and composed. you are somewhere else and i will die as i wait for you to come back. i will live as i wait for you to come back. you will return and in my dying, i will live. i will look upwards and i will beg out my thanks for everything i’ve been granted, your hand will brush my cheek and i will die, and i will live, and i will die. you will take my hair, and you will tie it up. it will be off my neck, and i will feel relief.





please take me home!